James is facing a tough problem because he’s caught between company policy and his emotions. What do you think he should do?
“Why should I have to lose my job just because my supervisor and I fell in love? Our company has a policy against these kinds of relationships. Since there is no job I can transfer to, even if I’d take a demotion, when any of our bosses find out what’s going on, I’ll probably have to leave the company.
I don’t think a man and a woman falling in love is anybody’s business unless the company can prove our relationship is hurting our job performance. In fact, for some reason, we both have been doing better since we fell in love. We don’t know anyone who has actually had to deal with a situation like ours, so any advice or feedback on our problem would be greatly appreciated.”
–James
I’m getting married December 12 to someone who works for the company. A lot of people at work know, but the people at the top don’t know. I have a reporting relationship to the CEO, and I deal with the managing committee on a daily basis. None of them know who I’m marrying.
“I’m not telling them who I’m marrying. I’m not afraid they’ll fire either one of us, but I have a real fear of I’ll be alienated, not included any more because they think the information about the company will be leaked. There’s a fear of being put on the shelf and not being promoted to higher positions because they think I won’t keep information confidential from my husband. If I were a man it wouldn’t make any difference. But with a woman it will.”
Comment by Ellen Frazier — May 4, 2008 @ 6:15 pm
I know how anxious you must be about informing your boss about your relationship, but you are going to have to do it. I’d suggest doing it as soon as possible so he or she finds out about it from you. You want to do everything you can to make your boss think you are not hiding anything and know how important it is to keep him/her informed. Sometimes policies are more flexible than you expect, especially if you have good communications with the people above you
Comment by Marcy L. — May 4, 2008 @ 6:15 pm
Try not to hide anything from your boss, just as you would not hide anything from your spouse (or significant other). If your boss fires you because you fell in love with your supervisor, then as hard as it may seem, your job was not meant to be — but your relationship is.
Comment by Jeff — May 4, 2008 @ 6:16 pm
The problem for James, of course, is not so much his “job performance” as 1) other workers’ perception of “special” treatment he may receive from the supervisor, and 2) the repercussions that could result from an end to the relationship between him and his supervisor.
If James falls out of love with his supervisor, how is he protected from her unconscious anger towards him? If she terminates the relationship, how is she protected from him going over her head in some unconscious effort to hurt her? How can she truly objectively evaluate his work performance, now or at any time in the future?.
The most ideal situation is one in which James transfers to a position in which his new partner is no longer his supervisor, or that she transfers. I wish him and his new partner luck, because it most certainly is a problem of our times.
Comment by Nancy Riggs — May 4, 2008 @ 6:16 pm
Should there be office romance? I don’t believe that it is a good idea for one person to be the boss of the other. No matter what happens, someone [in the department] will feel that they are getting the short end of the stick. It is not actually what happens, but the appearence of what is happening [that can cause problems]. The director of that department must step in and keep a close eye on the whole department to verify that productivity is not being adversely affected, and that attitudes are not being affected. The REALLY hard question to answer is: What happens when this couple breaks up?
Comment by Craig E. Kasold — May 4, 2008 @ 6:17 pm
My husband and I met on the job and eventually married. Working together was very difficult and strained our relationship. Based on our experience, I strongly stress that they learn to communicate their feelings to each other, particularly if the environment is very competitive, corporate management is not cooperative, and the woman is in a position of greater authority (as was the case in our situation). Another very important agreement the couple should make is to refrain from discussing office matters at home.
Comment by Jennifer H. — May 4, 2008 @ 6:17 pm
I [once] hired a married couple [and it] worked out wonderfully; they were two of my best analysts, and I moved ‘em from Lynn, MA to Phoenix when I set up a shop there. If the survivors of the undeclared class war are going to have to spend 16 hours a day at work, the only people they will have time to fall in love with will be fellow workers (or airline personnel!). Cheers!
Comment by Herb Grosch — May 4, 2008 @ 6:17 pm