How do I get acceptance in an all-male office?

“I am a female in an all-male technical department. I have had a tough time getting up-to-speed, partly because I didn’t have the technical expertise they had when I was hired, and partly due to office politics (several of them wanted the vacant bosses’ position; but they didn’t get it). None of the guys want to help me (“why should they if they aren’t qualified for the bosses’ job”), and are all too eager to point out my mistakes. They rarely talk to me. They interrupt me when I’m talking. They either ignore me or try to discredit my suggestions. They’ve even told co-workers to ignore my instructions and effectively taken me out of the loop on things.

When we travel, they walk ahead of me in airports, travel in a separate car (if possible), ignore me at dinners, etc. They talk to each other about weekend events, but when I try to join in or initiate, they give me the cold shoulder. I feel like I’m back in kindergarten. I really like this job. How can I turn their opinions around?
–R.N.

R.N. –  As much as I would love to tell you the problems you are having are the guys’ fault, I can’t. You came into a tough situation where there was obviously a very competitive environment (several of them competing for the top job) without the technical expertise they expected you to have. The only way to come out ahead in a situation like that is to be as good or better at what you do as they are. In this case, your skills are your bargaining chips.

It’s often hard for women to understand but most men don’t believe in helping each other out unless there is something in it for them. It’s not that they are evil; that’s just how most of them were raised and conditioned. Women tend to be much more cooperative and believe in consensus. Men actually prefer the competition. Yes, it does seem very childish and immature, but it’s their railroad. Until we can take it over, we have to learn how to ride on it.

So if you really like this job, you are going to have to earn their respect. You are going to have to do your homework, learn the skills (probably on your own or with the help of someone outside your department), and be better at what you do than they are. You can do that if you set your mind to it. But it will require a lot of work. When you really know your stuff and can point out better ways of accomplishing things, their attitudes will start to change. It won’t happen overnight and it won’t be easy. You will have to put up with a lot of being talked over in meetings, ignored, etc. But eventually the respect will grow and the barriers will start coming down. Once they respect you for your skills (not for who you are), you’ll find that their attitudes will change completely. As I said, you have to earn that.

A word of caution: don’t complain to your boss or manager about how you are being treated. Guys hate that. If you can find a mentor in the company or on the outside to advise you, great. But telling the boss your co-workers are being mean to you will not get you any points on either side of the desk.

The upside of all the improving of your skills and knowledge is that you might discover more opportunities, possibly in a more friendly environment. So it is a win-win for you. I hope this helps. And good luck.
–Cathy Feldman

Office Romance

James is facing a tough problem because he’s caught between company policy and his emotions. What do you think he should do?

“Why should I have to lose my job just because my supervisor and I fell in love? Our company has a policy against these kinds of relationships. Since there is no job I can transfer to, even if I’d take a demotion, when any of our bosses find out what’s going on, I’ll probably have to leave the company.

I don’t think a man and a woman falling in love is anybody’s business unless the company can prove our relationship is hurting our job performance. In fact, for some reason, we both have been doing better since we fell in love. We don’t know anyone who has actually had to deal with a situation like ours, so any advice or feedback on our problem would be greatly appreciated.”
–James

Child Care: should it be a workplace issue?

This question is one I am sure will interest working parents with young children. Even if you don’t have a response to the specific question, I thought this might be an opportunity to compare notes. These days working parents often get so caught up in a blur of sleepless nights and hectic days, sometimes just the chance to share stories and tips and advice with our colleagues can help a lot.

Laura wrote to ask, “How can I convince my company that doing more to help me and all the other new moms who work here cope with the costs and problems of childcare is a good investment? I don’t know a new mom who isn’t constantly worrying about the costs and hassles of getting reliable childcare. It’s a constant distraction from our jobs, and this must be hurting the company, but how can you explain that to bosses who want to pretend our kids don’t exist?” 1

A few excerpts from “Two Years Without Sleep: Working Moms Talk About Having A Baby And A Job”:

“Childcare is probably one of the biggest problems. It’s a heartwrenching decision as to what to do. There are a lot of alternatives but when you are working and trying to figure all that out, you don’t have time. Going out and looking for the right place and interviewing all the right people. When you’ve got someone to help and you’re happy with it, it’s all great. When you haven’t, it’s a panic situation.”
–Marcia Ross

“The climate of the workplace doesn’t accommodate having a baby and a job. It’s the rules that separate out as much as possible the personal needs of the worker from the workplace generally. You come to work to do your job the way we the employers say it will be done. That’s true for coalminers as well as new moms.” –Carol Lewis